HOW TO DROP YOUR BIKE

While there may be 50 ways to leave your lover, there are at least 150 ways to drop your bike. Some involve "laying it down," a popular euphemism for crashing. Others are simple tip-overs brought about by momentary lapses of attention. Assuming that you are not a squid (someone who rides like an accident waiting to happen), you can learn some important lessons from these examples, all of which have been provided by people who failed to heed the prime directive, "Keep the rubber side down!"

• Put your foot into a hole when you come to a stop.
• Put your foot down onto something slippery (gravel, dog poop, etc.) when coming to a stop.
• Lock-up the front wheel during over-enthusiastic braking.
• Miss your driveway and go sliding across your lawn.
• Don't put the kickstand down when you get off the bike and let it go.
• Accelerate at full throttle from a stop, immediately turning onto gravel or sand.
• Don't put a board or rock under the kickstand when you're parked on asphalt on a hot summer day.
• Let an over-enthusiastic person who has never been on a bike before see what it's like to sit on yours.
• Ride on wet grass with street tires.
• Ride on wet asphalt with dirt tires.
• Ride on ice.
• Walk away while your kickstand slowly buries itself in soft dirt.
• Back up perpendicular to a steeply sloped driveway and attempt to put your foot down on the downhill side, while seated on a large bike with a high seat. By the time your foot reaches the ground the bike will be so far off balance that you won't be able to hold it up.
• Back your bike down a narrow plank, all by yourself, from the bed of a pickup truck. Once you start moving, stopping to make any correction to the bike's line of travel is out of the question.
• Lose your balance when coming to a stop because of fatigue from a long trip. The wind and vibration of the bike can induce an unexpected case of vertigo, which could have been easily counteracted by frequent rest stops.
• Ride beyond your limits while trying to keep up with someone who is faster and probably riding beyond their own limits. The best riders and racers use self-discipline when riding.
• Don't pay attention to what you are doing.
• Don't anticipate what could possibly go wrong or plan what you would do when it happens. Eventually, it will!
• Assume that all wet roads offer equal amounts of traction.
• Go riding when it first starts to rain and the road will be a lot more slippery, before the oil and dirt are washed away.
• Assume that the condition of a blind corner is the same as it was the last time you rode it, and don't prepare yourself for a sudden encounter with boulders, logs, road-kill, oil, rain-wash, stones, pot-holes, garbage, etc.
• Don't get set-up for a corner when pushing the limits of tire adhesion.
• Apply your brakes in a corner and stand the bike up, so it runs off the road.
• Lock up your rear brake in a corner and high-side the bike.
• Lock up your front brake in a corner and low-side the bike.
• Forget that the bike is in gear when you jump on the kickstarter.
• Rev your engine, release the clutch, and put feet on pegs when the light turns green, without realizing that the bike is in neutral.
• Don't put at least one foot down when you come to a stop.
• Park the bike in neutral and don't notice how much of a down-grade it's on.
• Climb a steep hill and try to make a U-turn, while leaning to the inside too much.
• Put the kickstand down only part way when getting off the bike.
• Try to ride off with the disc lock still on the rotor.
• Park your bike so that it stands straight up with the side-stand down, and pay no attention to the leaking rear tire.
• Rev the motor, drop the clutch and be left standing in place while your bike wheelies and back-flips into an intersection.
• Kickstart your bike and end up with the silly metal ring on the side of your boot caught in the kickstarter.
• Lose your balance while pulling the bike up onto its centerstand.
• Have your passenger get their foot caught in a saddlebag while climbing onto the bike before you.
• Ride with bald tires.
• Fixate on the sand at the edge of the exit ramp, rather than looking through the turn.
• Park your bike right in front of a garage door that opens from the inside and swings out towards the bike.
• Don't attach your center stand properly, and then try to use it.
• Try to hold the bike upright while deploying the center stand, only to find that your knees are giving-way from too much non-stop riding.
• Park behind someone's minivan.
• Top off your tank at the gas station while holding the bike level with your legs, then get off the bike, forgetting that only your legs were holding it up.
• Enter a decreasing radius turn at too high of a speed, which is especially dangerous in a right turn, where if you attempt to straighten up and brake you'll plow into oncoming traffic.
• Get your shoe-lace caught on the gearshift lever.
• Let your ego do your riding instead of your rational mind.
• Ride for an hour in 30 degree weather with no gloves, come to a stop, then pop the clutch when you start, because you've lost all feeling in your hands.
• Get pissed-off after dropping your bike, yank it vigorously off the ground, and drop it on the other side.
• Put your foot down at a toll booth on the thick layer of grease that builds up when cars stop.
• Use too much throttle on a low-friction surface.
• Ignore the sand that builds up in the spring at the sides of the road.
• Kick your kickstand down with a macho flair, and don't notice that it has bounced back up.
• Get off your bike while it is still running and in gear.
• Have a fat-assed passenger lean way over to the side to look at something on the ground while you're stopped at a light.
• Buy a bike with a seat height that far exceeds your inseam.
• Have your passenger hop on or off the bike before you are ready.
• Let your bike off a swingarm stand without putting the sidestand down first.
• Quickly roll backwards down a steep driveway and turn the wheel to either side. Works even better with a full tank of gas.
• Take the bike off the centerstand and forget to lower the sidestand.
• Use a little too much power going into that first corner, right after you've put on brand new tires.
• Start out in a quick turn, leaning in anticipation of giving it throttle, and instead stall the engine.
• Reach down to pick your gloves, keys, etc., off the ground, while still sitting on the bike.
• Pay more attention to your instruments than you do to the road.
• Be looking in your mirrors trying to see where your buddies are, instead of looking at the road ahead.
• Unbolt enough components from the bike to unbalance it and make it fall off the jack.
• Let your centerstand rust out and fail.
• Use too strong a spring on your sidestand, so it tends to spring up by itself.
• Try to to kick-start a cantankerous, big-bore two-stroke while standing on a picnic table bench, then have it kick-back.
• Bump-start your bike by sitting on the seat side-saddle.
• Deploy the centerstand on a surface that isn't level.
• Roll your bike into the garage and let it get leaned too far away from you.
• Have a neighbor help push your bike up a steep ramp into a pickup truck, and then let go of it when it's only two-thirds of the way up.
• Discover when you stop and try to put your foot down that the kickstart lever is stuck up your pants leg.
• Leave the sidestand down on your dirt bike, then ride off and make a turn towards that side.
• Try to kick-start your dirt bike while it's on it's sidestand, leaning too far to the side that's away from the sidestand.
• Accidentally hit the shift-lever without pulling in the clutch, putting your running bike into gear.
• Give your bike more throttle in a turn when you're in a lower gear than you had realized.
• Leave your dirt bike parked near a hiking trail, where some eco-weenie can push it over and piss on it.
• Tie a canvas cover over your bike and let the wind push it over.
• Make a slow, tight, turn on gravel while carrying an inexperienced passenger.
• Try to vigorously kick your leg over the bike while wearing tight trousers, and kick the bike over instead.
• Wait until you need to pee so badly that you just jump off the bike and let it fall.
• Have a wasp fly up you pants leg while stopped at a light.
• Ride your dirt bike on a steep side-hill covered in pine needles which cause the tires to wash out. Then, while getting it righted, fall over on the down-side of the hill because you can't get a foot down.
• Fixate on the curb to your left in a right-hand sweeper.
• Turn onto a busy street before you realize that it has trolley tracks and your front tire has dropped into the groove in the asphalt.
• Stand alongside the bike and start it while holding in the clutch lever, forget that it's in gear and let go of the clutch.
• Let your buddy go for a ride on your new bike. If you are really stupid, let him take it for a ride again.
• Have your right foot on the ground while trying to get the bike moving on an uphill slope.
• Clean your tires with Armor-All, then ride on the white safety lane line and make a sharp turn.
• Try to check the oil level through the sight glass while sitting on your bike.
• Do a burn-out and accidentally let go of the front brake. Even more spectacular when the bike catches fire after it hits the ground.
• Give your old two-stroke a half-hearted kick, prompting it to kick back and start-up with the engine running backwards.
• Discover unexpected traction in the middle of a power-slide.
• Come to a stop in the exact spot where a car has lost its transmission fluid.
• Turn quickly from a paved road onto a gravel one.
• Go boulevard cruising and pay more attention to some girl's beautiful behind than to the ass-end of the car that just stopped in front of you.
• Use too much front brake while turning into a strip mall and lose the front end on a little patch of gravel.
• Look down while trying to figure out which way to turn the petcock for reserve, then look up after it's too late.
• Hit the electric starter on an old bike that doesn't have a clutch/starter interlock, while it's in gear.
• Try to catch a frisbee from your bike while riding through a park.
• Ride with an exaggerated lean angle to counteract a strong cross-wind, and still be leaning as you enter a tunnel.
• Pull onto the shoulder to let faster vehicles pass you, only to discover that what looked like solid ground is really foot-deep muck.
• Find out too late that the sign saying "Road Work Ahead" means a fresh coat of oil and two inches of pea gravel.
• Ignore the kid on the sidewalk with a skateboard, until he loses control and shoots it in front of your wheel.
• Follow a pickup truck with a large dog in the back, and watch in horror as the dog jumps out of the truck and lunges straight for you.
• Lane-split at 10 mph in stop-and-creep traffic, until the passenger in a car just ahead and on your left opens his door to empty the ash tray onto the road.
• Bump-start your bike and get dragged alongside it, while hanging on to both handgrips for dear life.
• Have a first encounter with "black ice."
• Learn the hard way that frost on your front tire makes it very slippery.
• While sitting on your bike with the sidestand down, lay back and put both feet up on the handlebars, failing to notice that the ground was not flat until the bike rolls off its stand.
• Try to wheelie on a patch of spilled oil.
• Come to a quick stop with your seat not fastened.
• Stop with the bike leaned at a slight angle, then whack open the throttle while your tires are still hard and cold from sub-freezing temperatures.
• Wait in line for your turn at the gas pump, gun it, lurch forward and grab the front brake only, creating a pogo action that can throw you on the ground.
• Have a contest with your buddy to see who can hold out the longest before putting their foot down at red lights and stop signs.
• Let the front wheel down from a wheelie with the handlebars turned.
• Fail to park your bike in the center of a parking space, and you'll have some jerk in a compact car try to squeeze into the same space.
• Grab a hand-full of front brake while riding your dirt bike in sand.
• Take your friend's invitation to go for a ride on one his vintage street bikes with the original tires still on it. You'll end up having to buy the bike from him because you crashed it, which was probably his plan all along!
• Load your bike onto a trailer or pickup with tie-downs that aren't tight enough to keep from unhooking when a bump makes the suspension compresses further.
• Run out of gas while you're trying to pass a bus in a sweeping left-hander.
• Enter a shallow water crossing before you see that the concrete surface is covered with slimy algae.
• Do a burn-out and drop your full weight onto the seat before letting off the throttle.
• Carry a bunch of groceries in a plastic bag that's dangling from your right wrist.
• Attach your passenger helmet to the gas tank, right where it can get jammed between the tank and handlbars when you try to turn in that direction.
• Pull into a gas station in the rain, exactly where a tanker has spilled several gallons of diesel fuel.
• Come to an intersection carrying a passenger, turn right at 3 mph in second gear while pointing at the scenery with your left hand, and stall the bike.
• Take a huge dual purpose bike with stock tires off road and try to ride it through the mud while you're in the middle of nowhere. You may have to leave it there!
• Use your left hand to wave to someone, apply the brakes and kill the engine, before you get your hand back on the grip.